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Depression sucks, man. It really, really sucks. It isn’t something that we “just get over” or can “change our thoughts and **POOF** all better!! Especially when you can’t even figure out why you’re depressed in the first place, or when you believe you’ve talked to all the shrinks and you’ve read all the books and you’ve done all this work on yourself and you’ve healed everything you can and you accept everything that you can’t heal. So how in the world did this little demon, this evil little presence take up residence in the back of my mind and heart and soul (without me even noticing) and pollute my entire being? OK, so I had a miscarriage. That sucks big-time. The kids are sad because of it; which is also, for lack of a better description, sucky. So the house isn’t as great as I was hoping it would be and the weather is awful and the shopping here is pitiful and I can’t stand the idiot neighbors, especially because they think I’m a flakey weirdo. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it and got it. Nothing so awful as to be so wretchedly depressed about. There must be something more. Something deep. Something I’m just not grabbing. “Keep digging”, I tell myself. So I do. Am I depressed because I had a crappy childhood? Because I had an inadequate and ineffective (all the while doing the best she could) mother? Is it because I as abused, neglected, and abandoned by the people who were supposed to protect me from these things? Is it because I was molested? Is it because I feel guilty feeling happy, so I have to be depressed? Is it because I’m getting older? Am I feeling lonely, abandoned, alienated, misunderstood, unimportant? Perhaps this is just a challenging time for me and given enough time it will all just clear itself up. Or maybe it’s genetic. Half of my relatives do suffer from sort of neurosis or psychosis, whether they are willing to admit t or not. Maybe this is a kind of post-partum depression? Or my hormones—maybe they’re just completely out of whack from this whole experience and they haven’t had a chance to get back to normal yet. Or maybe my brain chemistry has just gone completely haywire. Maybe my entire nervous system is fried and I don’t know what to think or feel about anything. Maybe I’m not even really me anymore. Maybe it’s celestial—could it be that the stars and the Sun and the Moon are aligned in such a way that they could be the cause of my despair? Maybe the Cosmos are wholly working against me right now. It could be that the long, brutally cold, dreadfully frigid winter has finally gotten to me once and for all. Or maybe I’m compounding the problem by over-thinking and analyzing everything, demanding clear, concise answers from the Universe. Maybe, just maybe, this is how I’m suppose to be feeling. Maybe I’m supposed to be depressed. Maybe I’m supposed to just ACCEPT that I am depressed and make myself comfortable with it, and make it comfortable with me, and then maybe we won’t be such a bother to each other any longer. Maybe this is EXACTLY how I’m supposed to be feeling. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with this at all. And maybe, just maybe, a nice, big bear hug wouldn’t hurt either. And cheesecake probably wouldn’t bring any further harm either.
Welcome to my Blog where I will share thoughts about understanding and accepting the pain of our journey through life, learning to heal and grow from it, developing a feeling of self-approval, and absolving ourselves of fear, guilt, and shame. I hope to share with you my views and theories pertaining to the existence and role of God offer poignant advice as to how to best take control of our lives during the most challenging times we confront.